Searching for things to pack in shoeboxes last year, I ran across a set of self-labeled “realistic dinosaurs.” Upon closer inspection, however, I discovered that they are actually something entirely unique–perhaps representing a heretofore-unacknowledged advance in paleontology and biology.
Everyone knows there’s only one proper way to display dinosaurs, so I whipped up a primeval swamp diorama. This is why it’s critical to always have construction paper in the house.
This one is obviously a sauropod. It’s also one of the smallest dinosaurs in the set, so I’ll call it diplodocus. A sad diplodocus. Look at that face.
Not a triceratops, but a styracosaurus. This website describes styracosaurus as “a rotten dinosaur. very strong and imposant.” Don’t you believe it.
Wait, dimetrodon isn’t a dinosaur. It’s a Permian reptile, and everyone knows dinosaurs didn’t evolve until the Triassic. This particular dimetrodon is probably more concerned about its giant misshapen tongue, though.
The pterodactyl is also not a dinosaur, but at least it coexisted with dinosaurs. This one seems to have feathers; perhaps it’s a pterodactyl-archeopteryx hybrid? Oddly, it’s one of the largest dinosaurs in the set.
A duck-billed dinosaur, surely. I decided it’s a maiasaura, but I have no idea what’s wrong with its weirdly bent hands.
This one isn’t even a reptile. I think it’s some kind of mutant megacerops, even though it’s got tusks and at least two extra sets of horns.
Here’s the first one I couldn’t identify, even tentatively. Is it some kind of tapirsaurus? Really, really long-necked giant elephant shrew?
This one, on the other hand, is easy to identify. It’s a Godzilla monster. It looks like it wants to give you a hug.
Let’s see. We’ve got a long pointy nose, an armadillo/pineapple-looking body, and a big handle on the back. Yeah, I got nothing.
Aside from the alien head and the broken wrist, this could be a pretty normal theropod, maybe an allosaurus or…AAAGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ITS FOOT
All right, that’s it. There’s no way around it: That’s a dragon. It has friggin’ wings. Nobody on Earth could possibly think that was a dinosaur, not even Jack Chick.
Group shot! And a bonus: the original background that came with the set. I like their sunset background, but otherwise, mine is clearly superior.
What I haven’t decided yet is whether any of these monstrosities should be inflicted on children.
I am so encouraged that all your education was not for nought. I suggest that you include your diorama components when you pack this box!
I like that you have the erupting volcano in the background, but I would really have liked to see an asteroid off in the far distance. On the other hand, these “dinosaurs” get so bizarre, I have to wonder if even an asteroid would destroy them.