Monthly Archives: January 2012

Dinosaurs

Searching for things to pack in shoeboxes last year, I ran across a set of self-labeled “realistic dinosaurs.”  Upon closer inspection, however, I discovered that they are actually something entirely unique–perhaps representing a heretofore-unacknowledged advance in paleontology and biology.

Everyone knows there’s only one proper way to display dinosaurs, so I whipped up a primeval swamp diorama.  This is why it’s critical to always have construction paper in the house.

This one is obviously a sauropod.  It’s also one of the smallest dinosaurs in the set, so I’ll call it diplodocus.  A sad diplodocus.  Look at that face.

Not a triceratops, but a styracosaurus.  This website describes styracosaurus as “a rotten dinosaur. very strong and imposant.”  Don’t you believe it.

Wait, dimetrodon isn’t a dinosaur.  It’s a Permian reptile, and everyone knows dinosaurs didn’t evolve until the Triassic.  This particular dimetrodon is probably more concerned about its giant misshapen tongue, though.

The pterodactyl is also not a dinosaur, but at least it coexisted with dinosaurs.  This one seems to have feathers; perhaps it’s a pterodactyl-archeopteryx hybrid?  Oddly, it’s one of the largest dinosaurs in the set.

A duck-billed dinosaur, surely.  I decided it’s a maiasaura, but I have no idea what’s wrong with its weirdly bent hands.

This one isn’t even a reptile.  I think it’s some kind of mutant megacerops, even though it’s got tusks and at least two extra sets of horns.

Here’s the first one I couldn’t identify, even tentatively.  Is it some kind of tapirsaurus?  Really, really long-necked giant elephant shrew?

This one, on the other hand, is easy to identify.  It’s a Godzilla monster.  It looks like it wants to give you a hug.

Let’s see.  We’ve got a long pointy nose, an armadillo/pineapple-looking body, and a big handle on the back.  Yeah, I got nothing.

Aside from the alien head and the broken wrist, this could be a pretty normal theropod, maybe an allosaurus or…AAAGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ITS FOOT

All right, that’s it.  There’s no way around it: That’s a dragon.  It has friggin’ wings.  Nobody on Earth could possibly think that was a dinosaur, not even Jack Chick.

Group shot!  And a bonus: the original background that came with the set.  I like their sunset background, but otherwise, mine is clearly superior.

What I haven’t decided yet is whether any of these monstrosities should be inflicted on children.

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Oddity of the Week

Snooping for Christmas vinyl in my parents’ cabinet, we found this on the back of Lanza Sings Christmas Carols:

IMPORTANT NOTICE

This is a “New Orthophonic” High Fidelity recording, designed for the phonograph of today or tomorrow.  Played on your present machine, it gives you the finest quality of reproduction.  Played on a “Stereophonic” machine, it gives even more brilliant true-to-life fidelity.  You can buy today, without fear of obsolescence in the future.

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