Searching for things to pack in shoeboxes last year, I ran across a set of self-labeled “realistic dinosaurs.” Upon closer inspection, however, I discovered that they are actually something entirely unique–perhaps representing a heretofore-unacknowledged advance in paleontology and biology.
Everyone knows there’s only one proper way to display dinosaurs, so I whipped up a primeval swamp diorama. This is why it’s critical to always have construction paper in the house.
Not a triceratops, but a styracosaurus. This website describes styracosaurus as “a rotten dinosaur. very strong and imposant.” Don’t you believe it.
Wait, dimetrodon isn’t a dinosaur. It’s a Permian reptile, and everyone knows dinosaurs didn’t evolve until the Triassic. This particular dimetrodon is probably more concerned about its giant misshapen tongue, though.
The pterodactyl is also not a dinosaur, but at least it coexisted with dinosaurs. This one seems to have feathers; perhaps it’s a pterodactyl-archeopteryx hybrid? Oddly, it’s one of the largest dinosaurs in the set.
This one isn’t even a reptile. I think it’s some kind of mutant megacerops, even though it’s got tusks and at least two extra sets of horns.
Here’s the first one I couldn’t identify, even tentatively. Is it some kind of tapirsaurus? Really, really long-necked giant elephant shrew?
All right, that’s it. There’s no way around it: That’s a dragon. It has friggin’ wings. Nobody on Earth could possibly think that was a dinosaur, not even Jack Chick.