A Gender-Neutral Dating Market Value Test

If you’re single, or even if you aren’t, you have no doubt used Roissy’s incisive and well-calibrated tests to calculate your dating market value for men and for women. It’s important to do this at least once so that you don’t set your sights on alphas way out of your league or waste your game on worthless omegas when you could do better. However, Roissy’s tests suffer from one flaw: They aren’t gender-neutral.

To fill this void, I am proud to present this fully-accurate, updated, and objective gender-neutral market value test.

1. How old are you?

• 15-17 [-10. Go do your homework, kid.]
• 18-23 [+0]
• 24-29 [+1]
• 30-35 [+0]
• 36-40 [-1]
• 41-50 [-2]
• 51+ [-3]

2. What color is your hair?

• Blond [-1]
• Brown [+0]
• Black [+0]
• Red [-2]
• White/gray [-1]
• Dyed something unusual [+1]

3. What color are your eyes?

• Brown [+0]
• Blue/gray [-1]
• Green [+1]
• Heterochromia! [+2]

4. How wide is the distance between your eyes?

• Not sure [+0]
• Normal [+0]
• I actually went and measured the space between my eyes because you asked this question [-1]

5. Do you wear makeup?

• Yes, a lot [-1]
• Yes, a little [+0]
• No [+1]

6. Do you have a birthmark in the shape of an identifiable country?

• No [-1]
• It looks sort of like Belarus if you squint [+0]
• Yes [+1]

7. How strongly gender-identifiable are you?

• I am very masculine or very feminine [-1]
• About average, I guess? [+0]
• I’m super androgynous [+1]

8. What is your clothing style?

• Practical [+0]
• Super trendy [-1]
• Very professional and well-dressed [+1]
• Fun and creative [+1]
• Goth [-1]

9. Do you wear glasses?

• Yes [+1]
• No [+0]
• I wear sunglasses all the time [-1. Do you pop your collars too?]

10. What is your IQ?

• Under 100 [+0]
• 100-120 [+0]
• Over 120 [+0]
• IQ is a meaningless concept [+5]

11. What is the register of your voice?

• Tenor or soprano [-1]
• Baritone or mezzo soprano [+0]
• Bass or alto [+1]

12. Do you have a car?

• No [-1]
• Yes, it’s a beater [-2]
• Yes, it’s a Corolla [+0]
• Yes, it’s an SUV [-1]
• Yes, it’s a pickup [-1, but +1 if you help me move]
• Yes, it’s a Miata [-1. Show a little originality.]
• Yes, it’s a classic [+1]
• Yes, it’s a Lotus [+5]
• Yes, it’s a Nissan Cube [-5]

13. What is your favorite book out of this list?

• Harry Potter [+0]
• The Lord of the Rings [+1]
• A bestseller (Stephen King, John Grisham, etc) [-1]
• Bodice rippers! [+0. Whatever floats your boat.]
• Any Shakespeare [+2]
• The Divine Comedy.  Shakespeare is too mainstream. [+3]
• Twilight [-5]
• Atlas Shrugged [-A million]

14. What is your favorite hot drink?

• Starbucks [-5]
• Other coffee [-1]
• Cocoa [+1]
• Tea [+1]

15. How many friends do you have?

• None [-1]
• A few close friends [+0]
• A lot of friends [+1]
• I’m pretty much made of friends [+0. Potentially divided loyalties.]

16. Kitties?

• Kitties! [+1]
• What? [-1]

17. You are at a party. Some interesting people you don’t know are talking on the other side of the room. You…

• Mope in the corner and hope they come to you [+0]
• Carefully approach them, constantly scanning the room and calculating your optimum position relative to them [-1. Seriously?]
• Act normal [+1]

18. Which doctor is the best?

• Four. I’m traditional. [+1]
• Five. I respect anyone who wears a decorative vegetable. [+0]
• Nine. He brought it back. [-1]
• Ten. He’s got the hair, the coat, and the best sense of humor. [+1]
• Eleven. I’m getting in touch with my inner child. [+1]
• One of the others. I’m totally obscure. [+0]
• My general practitioner? [-5]

19. What best describes your sense of humor?

• None [-1]
• Practical joker [-1. Too risky.]
• Silly punster [+0]
• Witty and clever [+1]
• Cutting and sardonic [+0]

20. Which of these manikins do you identify with?

• I am wired with explosives [+0]
• I am being eaten by an amoeba [+1]
• There’s a fried egg on my stomach [+0]
• My belly button is walking away [+1]
• I’m asleep [-1]

21. How many times have you watched Nyan Cat?

• Never [-1]
• 0-5 [+0]
• 6-50 [+1]
• I’ve watched the 10-hour version [-1. There are limits, people.]

22. The Who is…

• A good band [+0]
• The best band [+1]
• Who? [-1, but hopefully you won't get fooled again]

23. What are the odds that you will answer this question correctly?

• 25% [+0]
• 50% [+0]
• 25% [+0]
• 0% [+0]

24. What is your favorite pony?

• Rainbow Dash [+1]
• Pinkie Pie [+1]
• Rarity [+0]
• Fluttershy [+0]
• Twilight Sparkle [-1]
• Applejack [-1]

25.  I’m going to assume that you’re lying and that your real score is 10 points lower than whatever you post.  How does this make you feel?

• Terrible.  My soul is crushed forever. [-1, and go see a counselor]
• Ha, just as I predicted!  It’s all part of my plan! [-2.  Suuuure.]
• What?  Why would you do that? [+0]
• Who gives a crap, it’s an internet quiz [+2]

Scoring

-1,000,045 to -45: Below omega. They have to make up new letters to account for you.

-44 to -25: Zeta. You aren’t sure how the Latin alphabet works. If only we were using the Spanish alphabet, like the Russians do!

-24 to -15: Omega. Your life sucks, and now an internet test has confirmed it.

-14 to -5: Lesser beta. You are pretty much average, but you should feel bad about yourself anyway.

-4 to 4: Betta. You show immediate aggression towards everyone, so you should be housed individually in a small container.

5 to 9: Classic beta. You may increase in value if kept in mint condition.

10 to 14: Alpha. You are a psychopath with as many as 50 conflicting personalities in you at once.

15 to 24: Facial alpha. You’re some sort of spa treatment, as near as I can figure.

25 to 34: Alpha alpha. You are awesome, and yet everyone seems to hate you, especially short guys with eye problems.

35: Alpha alpha alpha prime. Everyone has to order you, even if they don’t like alpha.

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